Annoyed at myself, a solopreneur pursuing a creative & an athletic endeavour

A discussion of mistakes & what I have felt utterly annoyed at myself for over the last few days.

I came to Thailand with the goal of establishing myself as a content creator and having my first fight. A few days ago, I started my fight camp, meaning that I will be training 2x/day for 6 days per week and fighting for the first time in 3 weeks.

Getting anxiously burnt out to the point where I was in complete exhaustion for 2 straight days
During the day, when I wasn’t training and performing basic human functions (ex. eating, messaging friends), I was napping. I slept for 13 hours one night and then 10 hours the following night. I have not experienced such exhaustion since my breakup of an 8 year relationship with my first. I am annoyed because being depleted of energy inhibits any, let alone optimal, performance as an athlete and a creator. I should not blame myself for being human, therefore I should not be annoyed at myself for having anxiety. However, in such accordance, I should also not reprimand myself for being annoyed at myself.

Spending a, to a certain degree, useless amount of time on Instagram

Does being good at this medium help you achieve your objectives beyond simply being good at the medium?

Seth Godin on his daily blog, Mastering the medium

My creative fortitude comes from the ceaseless desire to do meaningful work. Instagram is a platform I love to consume and produce content on. It is the first medium where I started sharing my mental health journey, binge eating recovery, and sensual female self-expression (ahem, sexy photos). I have been able to connect meaningfully with people who would have likely not otherwise reached out to me. I have received heartfelt appreciation and encouragement from my followers. This has been deeply rewarding and what kept me going and gradually increasing my Instagram activity.

However, I realize that each Instagram post has a very short half-life. This is not the type of game I want to play, nor the game I was ever drawn to. I’ve always wanted to create content in the form of essays, podcasts, and videos – forms of content with a long-standing half-life; what some would call a legacy.

Upon reflection, one of the other major reasons I pursued Instagram so fervently was out of the insecurity that if I didn’t grow my follower count, I would not have “enough” distribution, which would hinder my success as a creator of that long-standing type of content. Now, I realize that I shouldn’t be f*cking worrying about distribution when I haven’t created sh* t (duh!!!… can you tell I’m annoyed at myself?!). Also, given its social popularity and fleeting nature, Instagram provides a very short feedback loop, appealing to my narcissism and impatient desire to put something out into the world and receive a response.

I’ve now arrived at some internal clarity that if I want to be acting in alignment with my priority, the 1-2 hours/day that I put into daily Instagram activity should instead be 7-14 hours/week of producing and publishing content that is of my ultimate goal. Once I’ve established myself in working towards and finding a relative degree of success in that priority, I can return back to daily Instagram posting.

If I could go back in time I’d
(1) Slap myself in the face
(2) Figure out my 1000 true fans so that I’d have an easier time establishing my personal brand and deciding what to post
(3) Create content pieces that are aligned with my ultimate goal (ex. book, blog, YouTube) that I could direct Instagram traffic to
(4) Remind myself to stay focused on my ultimate goal of being a respected writer and teacher, and to be wary of fleeting satisfactions.

Creating zero content about binge eating self-recovery
This is the project I am most excited about and feel has the greatest potential. It is also the project I have been running directly away from. I fear that
(1) This will be my greatest work (which has created trepidation to begin, since my ego conflates having high standards with setting and attaching my happiness to expectations)
(2) I may know about this (as it pertains to my personal experiences) more than I think, therefore I will have an incredibly large amount of information to convey. Yes – there, I said it: I am afraid of doing the work. And, needless to say, I am annoyed at myself.

Feeling insecure about my finances
..when I have no reason to be. I have saved, budgeted, and projected my cash flow.

I completed an engagement with one client of mine and I am confident that I will be getting at least 2 new clients in a few weeks, which would be perfect timing – right after my fight. I am exactly where I need to be in my entrepreneurial career.

What I will admit is that I simply dislike the feeling of being financially conservative. I love my nice things and being able to afford them, which is to be able to say, as Ariana Grande would put it, “I want it, I got it” (blame it on my #Leo).

Rest assured that I haven’t been solely consumed by self-inflicted annoyance and laceration

I am very proud of myself for being the type of woman my younger self would look up to, but never thought she could be: the woman of my dreams. I am very proud of myself for launching my own podcast, TRAVEL TRAIN CREATE, featuring interviews about creative, athletic, and entrepreneurial endeavours. I can’t believe that a month and a half ago, getting through one session of Muay Thai training, was an anxiety-inducing struggle, and now, I train for 2 hours per session, twice a day, oftentimes sparring with a smile on my face and smashing pads as though I am angry at them.

For now, I will let my angst fizzle. I have some other self-inflicted emotional catastrophes to attend to, such as how my GTD spreadsheet doesn’t make any sense anymore because I haven’t been updating it. Also, I need to stop picking this blogpost apart, press “publish”, and move on with my life because my personal income taxes are due in 6 weeks, so I must now attend to the task of compiling all the relevant information my accountant needs to ensure I am properly filed. Angst.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.