Anger of a Spotless Mind

S P O T L E S S M I N D ๐ŸŒ It could have taken years, maybe a decade, but for me it happened all at once in less than a year.

I evolve faster than anyone I know – I’ve been this way since I was a kid. I follow my heart. I go for it.

But lately I’ve been exhausted. My empathy and sensitivity is killing me, and I won’t allow myself to be destroyed. I’m exhausted by the emotional labour and mental calculus I’ve done to represss my anger.

If you have never been on this journey then you would think that this is dramatic rhetoric making an overstatement: I feel like I believed lies that destroyed my self-worth by those who had the most access to me.

I grieve that I will never get those 24 years back. I grieve the opportunity cost of a childhood and adolescence that was not all that it could have been. I grieve the simple fact that I could have been myself, all that I am today, much sooner.

So this week I’ve allowed myself to slow down and grieve.

Mom, you should have had my back during my wushu competing years and binge eating disorder instead of bodyshaming me “out of concern”. Love is not abuse.

Dad, martial arts and domestic violence were on opposite ends of our fragile relationship. Strength is not uncontrollable anger.

Ex-BFF, you shouldn’t have called me a b**ch and ended our friendship enraged that I lost my virginity consensually in a committed relationship that would go on to last 8 years. Friendship is not misogyny and control over my body.

Ex-friend, you shouldn’t have said you were “disappointed” when I was sui**dal. Friendship is not apathy.

Ex-first-BF-of-nearly-a-decade, I was so devastatingly wrong about you being right all the time.

A spotless mind: the braver and more human act of vividly remembering it all. I have scars from the battles of my heart. I have said “let’s do this” and “I can do this”. I have become the woman who does her very best not to judge other women. I have become the woman who is body positive and confidently single. I have become the trailblazer who wears her heart on her sleeve.

And now that I’ve finally found myself, I honor my freedom by taking my time to be all that I am ๐Ÿฆ‹๐Ÿ’•

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S P O T L E S S M I N D ๐ŸŒ  I evolve faster than anyone I know – I've been this way since I was a kid. I follow my heart. I go for it. It could have taken years, maybe a decade, but for me it happened all at once in less than a year. But lately I've been exhausted. My empathy and sensitivity is killing me, and I won't allow myself to be destroyed. I'm exhausted by the emotional labour and mental calculus I've done to represss my anger. If you have never been on this journey then you would think that this is dramatic rhetoric making an overstatement: I feel like I believed lies that destroyed my self-worth by those who had the most access to me. I grieve that I will never get those 24 years back. I grieve the opportunity cost of a childhood and adolescence that was not all that it could have been. I grieve the simple fact that I could have been myself, all that I am today, much sooner. So this week I've allowed myself to slow down and grieve. Mom, you should have had my back during my wushu competing years and binge eating disorder instead of bodyshaming me "out of concern". Love is not abuse. Dad, martial arts and domestic violence were on opposite ends of our fragile relationship. Strength is not uncontrollable anger. Ex-first-female-BFF, you shouldn't have called me a b**ch and ended our friendship enraged that I lost my virginity consensually in a committed relationship that would go on to last 8 years. Friendship is not misogyny and control over my body. Ex-friend, you shouldn't have said you were "disappointed" when I was sui**dal. Friendship is not apathy. Ex-first-BF-of-nearly-a-decade, I was so devastatingly wrong about you being right all the time. A spotless mind: the braver and more human act of vividly remembering it all. I have scars from the battles of my heart. I have said "let's do this" and "I can do this". I have become the woman who does her very best not to judge other women. I have become the woman who is body positive and confidently single. I have become the trailblazer who wears her heart on her sleeve. And now that I've finally found myself, I honor my freedom by taking my time to be all that I am ๐Ÿฆ‹๐Ÿ’•

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