What if I die trying and a failure?

It sounds so self-involved to admit it: this is the question that I’ve struggled with the most since early childhood up until now. Ambition is a beautiful part of the human spirit. Combined with my performance-driven mindset (“type”), my Asian immigrant upbringing, and my insufferable tendency to take myself too seriously, I have always had the anxiety of this unresolved question in the back of my head.

So 2 weeks ago, I decided to ask my friends this question. It hadn’t occurred to me before to do so – silly me.

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Dear Anxiety, I wish *we* had surrendered sooner

I refer to my experience of anxiety as “we”: my anxiety is not solely due to me, and I am not solely due to my anxiety. I am accountable to myself and deserve to operate at the highest level of productivity and service to others. That’s why I’ve done the work on my own and with my clinical counsellor & coach to manage my anxiety.

It’s been exactly 2 months since I arrived in Chiang Mai and it’s taken me this long to realize this day, like all other days, is a perfect day: wake up, morning training, hustle at cafe, afternoon training, and evening Thai massage. I am living my dream: Travel Train Create.

I reflect bittersweetly on how I wish I had realized this sooner; this is an exceptional life and I’ve been missing out on appreciating it

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“People don’t care that you’re a shitty person – they want intimacy”: my clinical counselling session

I synthesize, condense, and paraphrase a session with my clinical counsellor and coach, who has been integral and amongst several things I do to work on my mental health.

Key Takeaway: As a performance driven individual, I have used my performances as a disordered coping mechanism towards conflict in my relationships. An unconscious thought pattern was that loved ones pointing out my flaws through criticism & feedback meant that I had lost their respect and needed to redeem myself.

Oh, yes. How convoluted, juicy and messed up 😈 Keep reading for all the tea.

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