What if I die trying and a failure?

It sounds so self-involved to admit it: this is the question that I’ve struggled with the most since early childhood up until now. Ambition is a beautiful part of the human spirit. Combined with my performance-driven mindset (“type”), my Asian immigrant upbringing, and my insufferable tendency to take myself too seriously, I have always had the anxiety of this unresolved question in the back of my head.

So 2 weeks ago, I decided to ask my friends this question. It hadn’t occurred to me before to do so – silly me.

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Prayer

Dear God, 

Please use me for your purpose. Let your let shine through me. 

Please give me strength, courage, wisdom, grace, kindness, humility, and patience to do hard things. Please give me stamina to keep the faith and willingness to surrender. Please give me fearlessness and confidence to overcome challenges. If it is in your will, please deliver me to victory.

Please send angels to protect my family. Please guide us to inner healing. Let us grow stronger together and bring out the best in each other. Please bless my community with wealth, health, and happiness. 

Amen

24 years old & whatever I am doing, it is working

“Sometimes God breaks your heart to save your soul.”

This was a journal entry at one of the lowest points of my life, in the midst of recovering from a binge eating disorder. It happened 6 months ago around my 24th birthday, in the summer of 2018. A few months afterward, I exited a nearly 8-year relationship with my first boyfriend and quit my first full-time job with an amazing company.

I didn’t realize my birthday was in two days. Upon waking up, I thought to myself: “did I as a little girl imagine that one day I’d be living the way I am right now? Painfully, stagnant, and failed?” I felt like I let myself down. I painfully reminisced and nearly hated myself for, at one point in university, indulging in such a carefree sentiment of how I could not wait to get out of school, into the real world, and finally make it happen.

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